How Do I Help My Son Overcome His Painful Shyness?

Q. "My 7 year old son suffers with extreme shyness, in fact he will hardly talk to anyone outside of the family. What can I do to encourage him?"

A. Although some children are, by nature, slow to warm up, that does not mean that they cannot overcome their fears and anxieties. The trick is to start from where they are at, and build from success to success.

First, help him to find activities that he likes and is successful with. The more times he can experience being good at something, the more confident he will become. He will also have the added advantage of having more to talk about. The more people involved, the better. Don't pressure him too hard to do things he's resisting, but don't make it too easy for him to opt out. Sometimes kids balk at doing something even when they know inside that they'll have fun.

Set up some social activities for him that will also turn out to be learning experiences. Start with something easy and work up from there. An example might be a movie "date" with a friend. They can have fun sharing a common experience, yet don't even have to talk.

Begin by planning easy and structured activities with not very many people. As he becomes comfortable interacting with his friends, then try a more challenging event. Be sure you set levels at which success is a sure thing. That way everyone will be up for doing it again.

Make the social situations revolve around things he likes to do. For example if he enjoys computer games, invite a friend over. Start with one and the next time invite two or three. The kids will like talking about and playing the games together.

When it's time to visit adults, tell them about your son's latest adventures playing the computer game. Let him be the one to correct you about any details. Hopefully, he'll become engaged and start talking about some of the high points for him. You can even clue the adults in ahead of time about things to ask him.

If he chooses not to talk, don't force him but don't make excuses for him It's his choice to talk or not. Try drawing him into conversations. You might ask him something like, "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion?". This is an open ended question and will be easy for him to answer and elaborate on. Don't make it difficult for him by asking something that just requires a one word answer, or ask about something that's hard for him.

It will take time, but your son will find confidence in talking and being around people. Gradually, he'll take more chances and talk about things he isn't so sure of. If you help him to make talking fun, then he'll do it more. Conversely, if it's hard or embarrasses him, then he'll do it less.

Don't ever call him "shy". It will just reinforce his own belief about himself, and never change. It could even become an excuse as to why he can't do things. Focus on his strong qualities such as gentleness, kindness, and being polite.

Just remain positive and affirming and he should be fine.

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Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter with expert parenting advice and also regularly writes for Yes Parenting website.
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