AS SEEN ON TV – How the telly changed our homes

I saw some new variety of cookies in Tesco the other day - in the cereals aisle. I think they were yet another one of those substitutes for a sensible breakfast, marketed, presumably, at the apparently increasing numbers of people who regularly fail to find either the time to pour milk and cereal into a bowl, or to just grow up and eat fruit or something.

This new variety of pseudo-food shouldn't have taken me by surprise, though, apparently: "As seen on TV," it said on the box. Oh yes, I thought, of course, I'll have half-seen an ad at some point, won't I? Then I remembered, I don't have a TV.

One day my brain might start paying attention to what I'm doing… That's the least one should be able to expect, surely?

But anyway, it got me thinking: not about my brain's inattentiveness, but about what those words actually mean - "As seen on TV." Do they mean anything at all? It's a phrase now so deeply ingrained into our culture, yet what exactly are we supposed to take from it?

Well, the literal meaning is obvious, of course. But… well, so what? They've been on telly…. and? What do you want me to do about it? Even if you were to show me them on the world's largest High Definition LCD TV with full-on Dolby surround sound, I still wouldn't be moved to drop a pack of Kellogg's oaty choc-chip breakfast cookies into my trolley the next time I might be in Tesco. Just because they've been on telly it doesn't automatically mean they must be chewy and delicious, or any better for you than real food; just as no matter how many times Jordan appears on our screens doing that tiresome impression of a surly piece of mahogany with breasts, that doesn't mean she has any actual talents. And it never will.

Talking of people with no discernible talent beyond relentless self-promotion, another place you'll see "As seen on TV" is as a helpful reminder on posters for nightclub appearances by long-forgotten Big Brother contestants. Clearly, then, no good can come of these words. They're the celebrity equivalent of a leper's bell. Not even a warning; more a curse.

It's at Woolworths, though, that "As seen on TV" reaches the full heights of absurdity: wander around the shop for long enough and you'll find a whole range of gimmicky food chopping devices, stick-on lights, and complicated cleaning implements, all boasting this debatable achievement on their packets. You'll know when you've found them. They'll all be gathered around, and beneath, a television playing a seemingly endless video loop of them in action. Yep, as seen on TV indeed.

Still, be sure to stay until it plays the ad for a cheap lcd tv. How else are you going to learn that a huge teddy bear can be safely zipped inside one of these things, all the air sucked out with a hoover until the bag and bear are flat as a gym mat, so that - without fear of doing it the slightest damage - it can be merrily run over (and back) by your Land Rover driving husband? Yes, I know. Truly, it is a wonderful age we live in.

Or so it sometimes says on TV…

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