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Many people view extramarital affairs as sexual flings. Some of these "hook-ups" can happen for only one night, but some go on for years. What many people don't know is that getting too personal to anyone outside of your marriage, even when sex is not involved, it is called an emotional affair. How emotional affairs usually happens when one partner feels unappreciated, so they start pouring out their troubles to someone else as a "friend". (This someone else can be a person from work, a neighbor or even a mutual aquaintance!). If allowed to go for too long, they will start anticipate spending all of their spare time with this person, and by then they are investing all of their emotional energy the how and when with this "other" person rather than using it to strenghten their marriage. Learning that your unfaithful wife could be having an sharing emotional love with someone else is soul-destroying. I hear frequently, "that I can handle her screwing around effing with another person. I think I can live with that". I remember what she was like when she really loved me, and I have real trouble dealing with the thought of her offering the best she has to someone else!. The first partner to make the emotionally separation is usually the one to start an emotional affair outside of the home. Even the strongest people need love and reassurance, and if they aren't getting what is important to them at home, they make themselves open to finding it somewhere else. Although many emotional affairs start out as simply friendship, they can grow rapidly into something else. Even worse, many don't even know that it has until it blows up in their face. No matter what is going on at home, emotional affairs are still wrong. They can be even more acute and painful as a sexual affair because the person they love and care about offers up their intimate feelings and affections to someone else. The sense of betrayal is at minimum the same, and for some people much worse! The offending spouse may tell themselves they are not doing anything wrong because they are not having sex with this person. But if left going on long enough, most emotional affairs lead to sex anyway. How and when to move their affair to the next level becomes part of the ride so sex is only a matter of time. So what can you specifically do to strenghten the odds of saving the marriage? Ofttimes the shocked spouse reacts with intense emotions and then pulls out all stops to win their other half back. Become overbearing. Begs. Cajoles. Constantly makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions daily, sometimes even hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo- doo. This tactic is doomed to fail. Why? Well, the main reason is that she has discovered all the arousal and excitement she supposedly needs in her newfound love life. At a greater level this is confusing enough for the unfaithful husband or wandering wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is likely to closing the door on the marriage even more. Plus, you would be better served by providing some emotional stability, by being that solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama or that external excitement entices and blows her around. If you bombard her with your neediness, then you are certainly NOT benefitting your marriage in a key way that's needed duing this time. She is also likey to create a polarity by comparing between you and him. With your neediness dripping all over the place, you have no chance of coming out on top. Sorry! Here's a tactic that helps solve the quandary and improves the odds of saving the marriage. It's called backing off! You need to learn how to disconnect. Stop pressing her. Keep a low profile. Be silent and nonchalant - most of the time. Stop making requests that could be viewed as breaching her personal space. Stop asking questions. Stop trying gain some assurance from her. Stop being a overall pain in the ass! Remember, this smitten state will fade... You need to have the confidence that it will. You will need a boatload of patience. This outside affair can and with the right components, will, run its course. While in this zone, she really does need the space. She needs separate, quiet time to truly get a line on herself and confront the emotional void within. There will be a voice within her that says, This will not last. Whether or not she ever shares it with you, she will always question whether or not this what she really wants? At some point I must live in the real world. Where am I going with this? Is this the direction that I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I'm not with him? What does this say about me? If she is mature enough, and not too far gone, this will be her chance to learn about what TRUE love is. Don't get in her way. I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path. It is at this point with the men I talk to, where I show them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill. This will take some effort. It most likely will demand that you learn more about yourself, that you gain more confidence in yourself, apart from what you may imagine she does with him, and that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather this storm. This is your opportunity to grow to a new level. Oh, by the way. She will notice! And, she might find it attractive. Your backing off does not mean that completely avoid with her. Quite the opposite. You want to maintain touch with her, but make it stictly QUALITY contact. Try to ensure that it will be the kind of communication that does honor to you, and that confronts her with the reality of her decision. It could be very effective toward the resolution of your marriage.
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